Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Love and Hate

Obviously there are more things about pregnancy that I love than things about pregnancy that I hate. I just need to vent about some of those things tonight because it has been too long since I have seen our baby's heart beating. I really am looking forward to our next ultrasound and I am investing in a Doppler heart beat monitor.

Have you ever noticed that just pressing your ear up to your wife's belly is not enough to hear a heartbeat? I see the results of growth inside but I can't see what is happening. I want to be able to see it all. When a newborn child looks uncomfortable or seems to be in a precarious position a parent reacts quickly to rectify whatever the situation may be. As a fetus our baby is hidden by skin and muscle. I want to check up on Cletus and make sure all is okay. I hate waiting for the doctors appointment to have them reassure me that everything is fine. I want to know now.

I hate my wife's inability to sleep on her back. She has never complained about it but every time I lay on mine and stretch out I feel guilty. Books talk about how the wife has to suffer morning sickness, gain weight etc. etc., but they never mention the inability to sleep on one's back.

I hate not having control. I want the pain. I want the weight gain. I want the morning sickness. I want to not be able to sleep on my back. That is my role in this relationship. She is the trophy wife. She is the smart one. She makes the friends. I do the dirty work. If a spider or bat need to be removed from the premises, that is my job. If something even remotely dangerous needs to be done around the house, that is my job. If one of us needs to sacrifice for the other then I like to think that it is my job. Now my job is finished for a while my wife trumps all of my previous efforts with this one great sacrifice.

I hate waiting. I am impatient and want to be a parent today. I want to meet our child.

I hate the price of maternity clothes. Make them with cheaper material and bring the cost down. They are only worn for a short period anyway.

I hate some things for a while but I look at the ponch and get over it quickly. I see the growth and know all is okay. I see my wife and know that she is a willing participant, thrilled to be making this sacrifice. I see the calendar and know that I will soon see the heart beat again at our next ultrasound. I see my wife sleeping on her side, exaggerating the belly that holds our child, and I smile. I see the day when I have to wait know more, the day I meet our baby. I cry.


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